I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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