glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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