Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
