Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
