when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
