She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Pants are for mortals
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