It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize