Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
