What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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