If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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