i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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