Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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