Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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