Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
