I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
