Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
