We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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