On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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