I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
