how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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