He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
