You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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