I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
