Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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