my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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