He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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