Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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