There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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