i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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