is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
