nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
