New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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