shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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