whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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