Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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