Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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