I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
