It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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