tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize