I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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