i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
