his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have feelings that need drinking.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
