I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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