I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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