last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
