well you can't waste a boner
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
