I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think my fart just growled at me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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