I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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