Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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