i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
