Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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