i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
