so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
