he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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