She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
