My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
