You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
