so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
