no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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