she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
